Insecurity

samedi 31 janvier 2015




Dear readers,

Did you ever get this feeling of anxiety, in big scary moments or even for ridiculous things that happens everyday? Did you ever get this feeling of stopping breathing and becoming sooo red and hot that you feel like you're on fire? All of that just because of this stupid thing called insecurity...I surely did.

I never had actual anxiety crises, but I did get very stressed and insecure lots of times... And this is the main reason why I started blogging. I started blogging because I was very insecure, stressed, I felt unloved, alone and I felt like I couldn't be myself in front of other people without embarrassing myself in public.
Everyone in my old school was wearing the newest pair of Nikes, the newest American Apparel hoody, a pair of denim jeans and a white and black t-shirt by Eleven Paris with a super-cool star face on it. I didn't want to be like that... That was just stupid trends that everyone followed without even thinking about liking it or not. I wanted to wear skirts, dresses, but I did not. I did not because I felt like everyone was looking at me weirdly because I wasn't like them, I wasn't wearing the same thing as them. But I never thought that this superficial people were strange and stupid... I thought I was the one being strange, stupid and too different. I started to hate myself, hate my body, hate my personality. Every time someone was speaking to me I was becoming bright red and didn't know what to say because I felt like they were laughing at me behind my back.
I never put my hand up in class when I had the right answer because I thought... "What if it's wrong?" "Why would you embarrass yourself in front of 30 people?" "Just keep your mouth shut, no one needs to hear your answer". But when the teacher, actually, asked me to read in front of the class or answer a question, I was becoming as red as a tomato with sweaty hands and a trembling voice. I remember one of my classmate asking me "Can you, actually read?". Of course I could read! I was just too nervous to read in front of 30 bloody "clever" people.
I hated my personality so much and thought I would never have a best friend or even, just a normal friend.
But apparently, that wasn't enough. Some people started criticizing my body, how I looked, not just my personality, my entire ME. I will always remember this wonderful blonde skinny girl who was loved by everyone and had nothing to worry about, coming up to my face with the boy I "liked" and saying: "Why do you have such a piggy nose?". I never thought about how my nose looked before this moment... I had and have a normal turned-up nose which lots of people complimented when I was younger. And then, an other day, it was her best friend's turn to put me down a  little bit more, "You should stop eating completely... You're fat...". Whattttt?????? What was wrong with this girl? Stop eating...? Well first-able I wasn't that fat, I was just a bit chubby because I had a problem in my ankle and couldn't do sport for 5 years, but why would she "advice" me to stop eating? Fat, chubby, skinny, too skinny, everyone needs to eat!
I started to feel more and more insecure everyday but I didn't do anything about it except crying in my bed before sleeping. But 31st December 2012 arrived quickly and something horrible happened which no one, absolutely no one knows about... I received an e-mail from one of the boy or girl (anonymous mail) of my old school with "The list of things about you that people hate". At the beginning I thought that it was a joke, it wasn't possible. But I opened this message and I found the list, a 50 points list of horrible things about me. And to be honest, not a single one of them was true! I felt soooooo bad but didn't want to tell anyone about it. So I pretended to have a normal new's years eve, being happy and looking forward for the new year to come. But when the party finished, I went to my bed and cried as much as i could, in silence so no one could hear me. I cried, cried, cried and cried...

At this very moment, my phone alarm went off: new video from Zoella, which was a Winter Primark Haul!!! I wasn't feeling like watching a video but I did and discovered that she had a blog! The idea of a blog really attracted me and I thought: "Why wouldn't I create a blog of my own?" "And it could help me feel less insecure!". 4 mouth later, I had a bit less than 100 followers and I was feeling extremely happy! Of course, I wasn't completely fine, I had some small anxiety crises from time to time and I didn't feel as confident as I do, now, but I was soooooo much better and having all of you around me, putting really nice comments on my blog and social medias was just an amazing experience that gave me so much and taught me so much. I had to stop for a year in 2014 because I moved to england and wanted to focus on my english, my studies as it was harder to follow in english than in french and my two amazing friends who are so amazing and make me happy all the time. Right now, I don't feel insecure, I wouldn't have a fashion blog if I did haha!! But I do remember what happened in the past and I do have some sort of scars which stay inside me, however it doesn't effect my everyday life and it taught me a lot.

If you were bullied or if you are bullied, remember that you are perfect as you are and this people criticizing you are the rude, stupid, strange ones... You are not! Being different is such an amazing opportunity and you shouldn't be ashamed, but proud! Are you are too fat? too skinny? too crazy? too stupid? too ugly? to whatever... Well the answer to this question should be no, because you are yourself and you are unique and being like this makes you special, cool and beautiful! There are over 7 billion people in the world, but no one, absolutely NO ONE, is like you and that is pretty cool! Being confident and smiling will bring great friends and great opportunities so why not give it a try? However if you ever get anxiety crises because of insecurity or because of other things, breathe and tell yourself that you'll be fine and that it is all right to feel anxious, everyone is anxious and insecure at some point of their life. Even the blond skinny perfect girl who has "nothing to worry about".

You're perfect and unique, just remember this.

Doriane xxxx








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